Something's unsaid

It's been a  while since I had some peace, it's been a while since I went to sleep. The pressure that I blame for this, is actually nothing but things inside me. I try to convince myself today, if you sleep all the pain will go away,  the night comes and I wait like a nocturnal beast for sleep to take over me.

It's something that's been troubling me since long, but what exactly? Could it be it? Am I worried for peace? People talk about how things bother them, slowly and steady I see myself understanding what they mean, I might have some fear or some problem I might know of, but don't give it importance and push it away. Lock my fears, lock my feelings and push them away. Yes that might be it.

Fear of losing someone I love so much. I don't want to see the next day without him. Can't imagine what the world would be like without him. Frantic as I may seem but that's the truth. Prayers, wishes and hopes is all I seek. Please get well soon I say in my heart, I cannot meet you now, they won't allow. You're going to be OKAY I say! Lying down alone in the dreaded room he said "Bring me back home". I put a smile on my face with agony and pain in my heart and say "I will bring you back home, its a promise". Is it a lie that I said? Is it killing me day by day? Days pass I see him there, getting worse, he stops talking to us, its such a pain, I want you to say "I'm Okay". He knew the possibilities and knew the case, but to keep us strong he still smiled away. A month of being alone in there, he really got tired and pale. We prayed, we prayed and we prayed.

There came a time when I couldn't hold it back and broke down to which a friend stood up and said "Let him know how things should be". I went the next day, next to his bed, looked at him and said "Don't worry about how things are outside, I'm there, you're daughter, I'll take care of it. You just take care. Love you and Miss you". Who knew what he heard?After days did he looked at me, he saw me and his eyes filled up with tears, I kissed his hand and that's all the time I had. Two days to three that's the end of what I can remember. Insomnia took over me so deep.

A year later I still try and sleep but things and that scene still haunts me. I would've done something, but what? Promises are meant to be kept, is all I think, I am sorry. No one knows how close were we. All they do is taunt and move on. To them I can only say "Wait, you'll know how it feels when you've known a loss so deep". I pray and hope no one gets hurt and that everyone have their loved ones healthy and happy.

(This is dedicated to Papa, you'll always be my Angel, My most lovable adorable Papa, day in and day out, everytime and anything I do I always think of you!You're the best!) :)

Peace!
xoxoxo